Over thinking and over analyzing

I am too much mind, not enough instinct.

I overanalyze everything, and it is ruining my life, my relationships. It steals the spontaneity, the surprise and flutter of my heart, the beauty of the moment. It kills acceptance of reality and the situation b/c I read it from all different directions and different perspectives. And suddenly, I have fabricated a reality surrounding an event or thought, and have analyzed myself into so many different directions, that I no longer know which is the truth, or if I even have an idea of what the truth is b/c I killed it by thinking about it too much when really, it was so simple that it is what it is. Yeah, he wants to have an solo art night tonight...that does not automatically mean that he is cheating on me or is going to break up with me. It means that  he is going to go  home and work on his art...but I over analyze and though he has done nothing wrong, suddenly I am full of anxiety over what he is doing...and he told me, he's doing art. Overanalzying puts such a stress into my energetic field that it has killed romance with my boyfriend. Our past, and how I have responded in the past, and killed the romance and he's not sure if it's coming back. And then I have to analyze that. He tells me he loves me, wants to be with me, loves everything we do together, is sexually attracted to me, has fun with me, wants me to be around, is a bit scared to not be with me b/c I am the one person who is always loyal, who is consistently there for him...but he's just not sure he can ressurect the feelings of romance. And it's my over analzying, and my outbreaks and my craziness that has dug the hole to bury the romance. It would take a necromancer to resurrect it it seems. But we are perfect on paper. People have told us they love our couple energy, people have told us that we should be happy, we deserve to be happy and love each other, and that we should make it. We are the couple that every couple wants to be, on the surface. But under the surface of perfection is a man who lacks romantic feelings for a woman deeply in love with him. And then that love starts to scare him. Put's pressure on him to feel that love, and when under pressure, those feelings are hard to feel...so do I love him less? Pay attention to him less? We've broken up before but we can't stay away from each other. We feel the pressure of trying to be happy with ourselves and looking to our insides to be happy and being happy with our own life, so we recognize the need to focus on that...but a couple days go by and we are together again. We can't seem to stay away from each other. To me, that is a beautiful story. To him, he just sees indecision and it becomes a big question mark. And yes, it has taken a lot of time to get where we are. He literally tells me that I would be the perfect girlfriend. And I owe a lot of that growth to him. Actually, he has taught me how to be the perfect girlfriend for him, and now he may not want me, b/c he had to teach me and help me mature into that woman. And now everything he does I overanalyze...is the romance coming back? Or is he going to break up with me today.

Even in friendships...I got into a discourse with a friend and when I asked her if she still wanted to be friends, she said: Yup….you can still be super complicated and I can still be super dumb just so long as you understand that I’m dumb and that I understand that you are complicated.

I don't want to be complicated, but I don't know how to stop my mind. To stop the over analzying.

I can't even stop overanalying being rear ended by some douch bag. The only reason I was out driving is b/c my boyfriend slept terribly and was tired so I left work, went to starbucks, and brought him coffee and his favorite scone to his work (which btw, I got a fist bump as a thanks. So is the romance really that gone that I don't get a hug, a kiss on the cheek?? a Fist bump?!?!) and then of course, so cement those questions into my brain, a guy rear ends me and takes off. Is that a sign?  Should I stop trying to be in this relationship? we have tried so many times before and it never works. We always come back to each other. 

It just never ends. And it just provides confusion and makes me want to run away. I don't know how to quiet the chatter any more. Pranayama sometimes helps, yoga, meditation, art...art helps. I need to do more art...but that brings its own issues. The fears of not being good enough, of having the label of being an artist but what if I'm no good? What if my subject matter is terrible. The boyfriend is such an amazing artist, and so detailed and actually has great subject matter and talent...I just want to play with color.

I am not fit for society.