inadequecies

Do i not satisfy him because i am inadequate? Or do i not satisfy him because hd does not love me romantically? is a lack of sex destroying the romance or is a lack of romance destroying the sex?

Caring so much is destroying me. if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. regardless of how much i want it. i want the one to be him, but if it turns out he isn't the one for me, and i am not the one for him, then i just have to accept it. i can already envision myself, a destroyed vixen, wandering, seductive, but never open. emotionally removed, the walls rebuilt.

but who knows what the future will bring.

i will just have to face it and trust it and know that i tried.

fuck that. i just want to rock his world.

Untitled Poem 1

Hollow.
         Tunnels of misapprehension.
Begotten gloom
   No hope
   No possibility.

Time; a human concept
                Fabricates a possible reality.
   For tomorrow may not happen.

Over thinking and over analyzing

I am too much mind, not enough instinct.

I overanalyze everything, and it is ruining my life, my relationships. It steals the spontaneity, the surprise and flutter of my heart, the beauty of the moment. It kills acceptance of reality and the situation b/c I read it from all different directions and different perspectives. And suddenly, I have fabricated a reality surrounding an event or thought, and have analyzed myself into so many different directions, that I no longer know which is the truth, or if I even have an idea of what the truth is b/c I killed it by thinking about it too much when really, it was so simple that it is what it is. Yeah, he wants to have an solo art night tonight...that does not automatically mean that he is cheating on me or is going to break up with me. It means that  he is going to go  home and work on his art...but I over analyze and though he has done nothing wrong, suddenly I am full of anxiety over what he is doing...and he told me, he's doing art. Overanalzying puts such a stress into my energetic field that it has killed romance with my boyfriend. Our past, and how I have responded in the past, and killed the romance and he's not sure if it's coming back. And then I have to analyze that. He tells me he loves me, wants to be with me, loves everything we do together, is sexually attracted to me, has fun with me, wants me to be around, is a bit scared to not be with me b/c I am the one person who is always loyal, who is consistently there for him...but he's just not sure he can ressurect the feelings of romance. And it's my over analzying, and my outbreaks and my craziness that has dug the hole to bury the romance. It would take a necromancer to resurrect it it seems. But we are perfect on paper. People have told us they love our couple energy, people have told us that we should be happy, we deserve to be happy and love each other, and that we should make it. We are the couple that every couple wants to be, on the surface. But under the surface of perfection is a man who lacks romantic feelings for a woman deeply in love with him. And then that love starts to scare him. Put's pressure on him to feel that love, and when under pressure, those feelings are hard to feel...so do I love him less? Pay attention to him less? We've broken up before but we can't stay away from each other. We feel the pressure of trying to be happy with ourselves and looking to our insides to be happy and being happy with our own life, so we recognize the need to focus on that...but a couple days go by and we are together again. We can't seem to stay away from each other. To me, that is a beautiful story. To him, he just sees indecision and it becomes a big question mark. And yes, it has taken a lot of time to get where we are. He literally tells me that I would be the perfect girlfriend. And I owe a lot of that growth to him. Actually, he has taught me how to be the perfect girlfriend for him, and now he may not want me, b/c he had to teach me and help me mature into that woman. And now everything he does I overanalyze...is the romance coming back? Or is he going to break up with me today.

Even in friendships...I got into a discourse with a friend and when I asked her if she still wanted to be friends, she said: Yup….you can still be super complicated and I can still be super dumb just so long as you understand that I’m dumb and that I understand that you are complicated.

I don't want to be complicated, but I don't know how to stop my mind. To stop the over analzying.

I can't even stop overanalying being rear ended by some douch bag. The only reason I was out driving is b/c my boyfriend slept terribly and was tired so I left work, went to starbucks, and brought him coffee and his favorite scone to his work (which btw, I got a fist bump as a thanks. So is the romance really that gone that I don't get a hug, a kiss on the cheek?? a Fist bump?!?!) and then of course, so cement those questions into my brain, a guy rear ends me and takes off. Is that a sign?  Should I stop trying to be in this relationship? we have tried so many times before and it never works. We always come back to each other. 

It just never ends. And it just provides confusion and makes me want to run away. I don't know how to quiet the chatter any more. Pranayama sometimes helps, yoga, meditation, art...art helps. I need to do more art...but that brings its own issues. The fears of not being good enough, of having the label of being an artist but what if I'm no good? What if my subject matter is terrible. The boyfriend is such an amazing artist, and so detailed and actually has great subject matter and talent...I just want to play with color.

I am not fit for society.

Not my inspiration

Nobody else can kill my enthusiasm quicker than my art director. I dread having to discuss projects with her b/c she makes me feel so terrible. I'm sure I could be growing as a designer at a much quicker rate than this if she knew how to be a better manager. Now, I'm not trying to be a blame shifter. I understand that some of the responsibility is mine as well. I need to be open to her and what she has to say and I get it. I want to be. I try to be. But when I go to her to present some ideas and the first thing she does is interrupt me and kill the idea b/c it isn't  her preference, well, I'm just not that comfortable or encouraged to keep sharing my ideas. It makes me feel stupid and dumb for having my ideas and I am so tired of it. We have received more positive feedback on my designs/projects than on hers. In fact, she has received negative feedback. Now, my designs don't always rock but I am just so freakin' frustrated. I don't think I am being super sensitive asking for a little positive reinforcment and a little help growing into my designs not hers. And I can only handle hearing her say, well I don't/didn't like that at all.

My designer buzz is dead. I hope not for the day b/c I have a lot to do.

Why can't she learn to grow as a people-person/manager.

I execrate her.

I just want to be a better, confident designer. And it seems like she is doing her best to keep me down.

She shouldn't have this much power over me.

I curse her.

The first book

Five fiction books/distractions later, I have rededicated myself to becoming a femme fatale. Or as close to one as I can as I clearly lack the confidence, disposition and ability to be a complete success. So, out of my 11 books I have begun to read, I began with Passionista-Empowered-Womans-Guide-Pleasuring and I'm excited and drained simultaneously. I'm not quite sure what to think. I am angered and thrilled, haha. Such mixed emotions. Let me explain. One of the first lines that grabbed me was:

"She is Dante's Beatrice and Gatsby's Daisy; she is Guinevere, Juliet, Helen and Eurydice, to name a few." (xi) (Yes, I didn't even get passed the introduction yet.) "She's sexy and exciting - the embodiment of desirability, the essence of allurement. She is a sexual muse:  a passionista."

Um, okay. So I already feel doomed for failure here and this is where the anger comes in. I am one of those with a "cute" stigma. Everything I do, even my art and designs, is cute. The way I dress, laugh, sneeze, walk, you name it, it's cute. And I despise being cute. Cute is a puppy, baby, or something of that nature. I do not want to be cute, this is one of the reasons I am on this exploration, but I cannot figure out how to shed that adjective. He seems to assume the reader is naturally this sexual muse already. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to learn how and why a man is stimulated and fulfilled...but that doesn't help my fundamental problem at this stage.

It also seems to be that much of the responsibility is placed on the feminine half of the relationship. Men seem to have short attention spans thus forcing the woman to put in an overload of effort forth if she wants to be in a relationship at all. We females spend so much damn time walking the fine line of desirability but w/out a thick veneer (aka. tons of make up and skanky clothing), playing hard-to-get and making them chase us yet still being attainable, smart but not intimidating (anyone out there want to add to my list?) that by the time we actually are in bed with you we are exhausted! Well, those of us who aren't naturals at this type of thing are, which as I have already stated, I certainly am not. If I'm focused on being the right kind of challenge outside of the bedroom, I may not have the energetic capacity to figure out what to do to you once we get it on. I guess it'll be a slow learning process for me. I feel like the expectations are weighing me down and not stimulating excitement in the sack.

Which, this paragraph was equally disheartening:

"Sexual pleasure goes beyond technique and tactices. Our sexual identities - and the expresion, gratification & growth of these identities - is fundamental to our overall health and the success of our intimate relationships. f most of us live in a world where the best sex we ever had is the best sex we never had, then it is of little wonder that sexual problems are among the leading causes of divorce and relationship dissatisfaction." (xv, yep, still in the introduction)

Well great. Doesn't that just suck (pun intended). I'm being told it doesn't matter how funny, smart, attractive I am, or how much fun we have together or how in love we are, if I don't seal the deal in bed we'll still have problems. And here I am, stressing about how to be a find piece of ass for him, and I bet most men out there aren't even, have never even come close to thinking and researching, how to better satisfy us so that we do want to rock their world in bed. I'm just saying a little cuddling and reassurance goes a long way. But that doesn't matter, b/c most guys just want to have amazing porn sex and even if you are a great person helping him succeed in life, you may still get tossed to the side. Those men need to man up and get over it. Sex is not always going to be amazing. We're tired, stressed, depressed...who knows, so stop expecting us to look like Megan Fox and act like Raquel Welch.

And perhaps it's that attitude that has me on this journey in the first place.

And then I read:

"Now, more than ever, women need to take an active role in this mission to liberate men from their own oppressively high, unrealistic standards."

But what if those standards are also applied to me? What if his expectations are to have movie wild sex all the time. He's applying the standards to me that I am being told to liberate him from. Sounds like, ahem, a sticky situation.

I feel like I need to be jacked up on caffeine or methamphetamines just to keep up.

I'm hoping the juicy parts of this book are about the male anatomy. And that's why I am excited. I mean, I think I've got the basic understanding...massage the perineum, balls need attention too, shaft likes a multitude of textures, grips, motions, tickle the head, and lick the line on the underside (name to come, hehe, I'm sure). But it never hurts to learn a bit more. There may be one delicious tidbit that changes my sexual abilities. Who knows. But it's exciting to have hope of improvement. Knowledge is the first step so...I'm hoping this book can offer more insight to the male disposition. My goal is to read a little bit each night. Let me know if you have any questions you want me to research, have any advice you would like to share. I'm stuck in a sexual rut at way too young an age. Something needs to change.

Hacked email

Email got hacked today. A message was sent to everyone in my book. Many of whom I don't even talk to any more. One of whom I wasn't supposed to be talking to. Yeah, a link about viagra was sent to the ex. I broke radio silence accidently. Maybe I was putting the energy of wanting to talk to him so badly out there, that my email sent him something. I just knew that when I walked in today that I wouldn't hear from him...Day 5 of radio silence. And what do you know. He had responded to an email that I didn't send him on purpose. Saying exactly what I needed to hear...that he missed me. Well, it just said, miss you. Not sure if that counts. But it was enough that he offered that information. The whole last 5 days I've been wondering if he even missed me, if he was even having a hard time not calling/texting/emailing me. And when I got in today, there was an email from him...saying that it was great to hear from me and that he missed me. Of course, there is that Nickleback song to consider, Lips of an Angel...those two loved each other and missed each other too, but were in relationships with other people.

I feel the story of my life is heartbreak. I just want to be with my ex and yet we have tried for years to make it work. That's how come we are now on this "break" that I don't know when it will end.

Oh, and to make my life even more sugary and sweet, not one of my friends has called/texted/emailed me to see how I was doing. Everyone is so caught up in their own lives. And I am the first person guilty of that. Guess I deserve that kind of treatment. It's Karmic. My computer, paint brush and cat are my best friends. I should shed the need for human contact. We are all essentially alone anyway. Yep, I will shed the need for human contact so that it is not a need. Haha, I guess that's what I've got to learn on this break (up)...how to be alone and how to be okay with being alone. I mean, I get energetically we are all connected and are one with everything. But I need to learn to be okay with that cosmic connection and not the physical connection. I need to let go.

BTW: Just got my first round of books in last night. Got addicted to Dexter so didn't have a chance to go through them yet. But will attempt to read and update tonight!

Failure

So, my first night of Singledom and attempts of feeling like a brilliant, confident woman was a complete failure.

To begin with I was wasted. In fact, I may have a slight drinking problem. It was out of control. I had probably about 4 shots of vodka before we even left for the club. Went to the club and was immediately asked about the new ex. Dagger in the heart. Then after maybe two songs I recognized the girl to the right of me was a girl the ex had made out with when we were on a break. Now, I can't be upset that he made out with her (we weren't together), but I can be upset that I had to see her. And I wasn't nice to her. At all. Apparently I bought her a shot though, though I don't remember doing that. I also don't remember making out with a guy that went with us, then throwing up on his shoes, and being brought home, where I continued to throw up out the car window. Yeah, real classy. What a failure. Though I must have done something right (Have no idea what, maybe he liked my art or we had a great conversation before I proceeded to throw up. Maybe he noticed that my left breast is as big as my head.) Who knows...but he called a different friend that was out with us last night and asked for my number. Brilliant. Too bad he is really skinny. I mean, really skinny. I would crush him. Whatever. It's not like I'm looking to get into a relationship right now, but maybe he can be the one I try my tactics on. Make it research and educational. I would be upfront about it though, let him know that I don't want anything serious. It's a thought. I'll have to consider it. Haha. I'm so far a head of myself though. I'm not even sure that's something he is interested in. Maybe he just wanted to let me know about the art gallery manager he knows. Who knows. But I feel like my attempts at being classy suck. How humiliating.

My books are en route though. Hopefully they will give me some direction.