The first book

Five fiction books/distractions later, I have rededicated myself to becoming a femme fatale. Or as close to one as I can as I clearly lack the confidence, disposition and ability to be a complete success. So, out of my 11 books I have begun to read, I began with Passionista-Empowered-Womans-Guide-Pleasuring and I'm excited and drained simultaneously. I'm not quite sure what to think. I am angered and thrilled, haha. Such mixed emotions. Let me explain. One of the first lines that grabbed me was:

"She is Dante's Beatrice and Gatsby's Daisy; she is Guinevere, Juliet, Helen and Eurydice, to name a few." (xi) (Yes, I didn't even get passed the introduction yet.) "She's sexy and exciting - the embodiment of desirability, the essence of allurement. She is a sexual muse:  a passionista."

Um, okay. So I already feel doomed for failure here and this is where the anger comes in. I am one of those with a "cute" stigma. Everything I do, even my art and designs, is cute. The way I dress, laugh, sneeze, walk, you name it, it's cute. And I despise being cute. Cute is a puppy, baby, or something of that nature. I do not want to be cute, this is one of the reasons I am on this exploration, but I cannot figure out how to shed that adjective. He seems to assume the reader is naturally this sexual muse already. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to learn how and why a man is stimulated and fulfilled...but that doesn't help my fundamental problem at this stage.

It also seems to be that much of the responsibility is placed on the feminine half of the relationship. Men seem to have short attention spans thus forcing the woman to put in an overload of effort forth if she wants to be in a relationship at all. We females spend so much damn time walking the fine line of desirability but w/out a thick veneer (aka. tons of make up and skanky clothing), playing hard-to-get and making them chase us yet still being attainable, smart but not intimidating (anyone out there want to add to my list?) that by the time we actually are in bed with you we are exhausted! Well, those of us who aren't naturals at this type of thing are, which as I have already stated, I certainly am not. If I'm focused on being the right kind of challenge outside of the bedroom, I may not have the energetic capacity to figure out what to do to you once we get it on. I guess it'll be a slow learning process for me. I feel like the expectations are weighing me down and not stimulating excitement in the sack.

Which, this paragraph was equally disheartening:

"Sexual pleasure goes beyond technique and tactices. Our sexual identities - and the expresion, gratification & growth of these identities - is fundamental to our overall health and the success of our intimate relationships. f most of us live in a world where the best sex we ever had is the best sex we never had, then it is of little wonder that sexual problems are among the leading causes of divorce and relationship dissatisfaction." (xv, yep, still in the introduction)

Well great. Doesn't that just suck (pun intended). I'm being told it doesn't matter how funny, smart, attractive I am, or how much fun we have together or how in love we are, if I don't seal the deal in bed we'll still have problems. And here I am, stressing about how to be a find piece of ass for him, and I bet most men out there aren't even, have never even come close to thinking and researching, how to better satisfy us so that we do want to rock their world in bed. I'm just saying a little cuddling and reassurance goes a long way. But that doesn't matter, b/c most guys just want to have amazing porn sex and even if you are a great person helping him succeed in life, you may still get tossed to the side. Those men need to man up and get over it. Sex is not always going to be amazing. We're tired, stressed, depressed...who knows, so stop expecting us to look like Megan Fox and act like Raquel Welch.

And perhaps it's that attitude that has me on this journey in the first place.

And then I read:

"Now, more than ever, women need to take an active role in this mission to liberate men from their own oppressively high, unrealistic standards."

But what if those standards are also applied to me? What if his expectations are to have movie wild sex all the time. He's applying the standards to me that I am being told to liberate him from. Sounds like, ahem, a sticky situation.

I feel like I need to be jacked up on caffeine or methamphetamines just to keep up.

I'm hoping the juicy parts of this book are about the male anatomy. And that's why I am excited. I mean, I think I've got the basic understanding...massage the perineum, balls need attention too, shaft likes a multitude of textures, grips, motions, tickle the head, and lick the line on the underside (name to come, hehe, I'm sure). But it never hurts to learn a bit more. There may be one delicious tidbit that changes my sexual abilities. Who knows. But it's exciting to have hope of improvement. Knowledge is the first step so...I'm hoping this book can offer more insight to the male disposition. My goal is to read a little bit each night. Let me know if you have any questions you want me to research, have any advice you would like to share. I'm stuck in a sexual rut at way too young an age. Something needs to change.

Hacked email

Email got hacked today. A message was sent to everyone in my book. Many of whom I don't even talk to any more. One of whom I wasn't supposed to be talking to. Yeah, a link about viagra was sent to the ex. I broke radio silence accidently. Maybe I was putting the energy of wanting to talk to him so badly out there, that my email sent him something. I just knew that when I walked in today that I wouldn't hear from him...Day 5 of radio silence. And what do you know. He had responded to an email that I didn't send him on purpose. Saying exactly what I needed to hear...that he missed me. Well, it just said, miss you. Not sure if that counts. But it was enough that he offered that information. The whole last 5 days I've been wondering if he even missed me, if he was even having a hard time not calling/texting/emailing me. And when I got in today, there was an email from him...saying that it was great to hear from me and that he missed me. Of course, there is that Nickleback song to consider, Lips of an Angel...those two loved each other and missed each other too, but were in relationships with other people.

I feel the story of my life is heartbreak. I just want to be with my ex and yet we have tried for years to make it work. That's how come we are now on this "break" that I don't know when it will end.

Oh, and to make my life even more sugary and sweet, not one of my friends has called/texted/emailed me to see how I was doing. Everyone is so caught up in their own lives. And I am the first person guilty of that. Guess I deserve that kind of treatment. It's Karmic. My computer, paint brush and cat are my best friends. I should shed the need for human contact. We are all essentially alone anyway. Yep, I will shed the need for human contact so that it is not a need. Haha, I guess that's what I've got to learn on this break (up)...how to be alone and how to be okay with being alone. I mean, I get energetically we are all connected and are one with everything. But I need to learn to be okay with that cosmic connection and not the physical connection. I need to let go.

BTW: Just got my first round of books in last night. Got addicted to Dexter so didn't have a chance to go through them yet. But will attempt to read and update tonight!