Failure

So, my first night of Singledom and attempts of feeling like a brilliant, confident woman was a complete failure.

To begin with I was wasted. In fact, I may have a slight drinking problem. It was out of control. I had probably about 4 shots of vodka before we even left for the club. Went to the club and was immediately asked about the new ex. Dagger in the heart. Then after maybe two songs I recognized the girl to the right of me was a girl the ex had made out with when we were on a break. Now, I can't be upset that he made out with her (we weren't together), but I can be upset that I had to see her. And I wasn't nice to her. At all. Apparently I bought her a shot though, though I don't remember doing that. I also don't remember making out with a guy that went with us, then throwing up on his shoes, and being brought home, where I continued to throw up out the car window. Yeah, real classy. What a failure. Though I must have done something right (Have no idea what, maybe he liked my art or we had a great conversation before I proceeded to throw up. Maybe he noticed that my left breast is as big as my head.) Who knows...but he called a different friend that was out with us last night and asked for my number. Brilliant. Too bad he is really skinny. I mean, really skinny. I would crush him. Whatever. It's not like I'm looking to get into a relationship right now, but maybe he can be the one I try my tactics on. Make it research and educational. I would be upfront about it though, let him know that I don't want anything serious. It's a thought. I'll have to consider it. Haha. I'm so far a head of myself though. I'm not even sure that's something he is interested in. Maybe he just wanted to let me know about the art gallery manager he knows. Who knows. But I feel like my attempts at being classy suck. How humiliating.

My books are en route though. Hopefully they will give me some direction.

On becoming a Sex Goddess: My Journey

As embarassing as it is to admit, I recently was broken up with by my boyfriend of nearly four years (no, that wasn't the embarassing part), for a few reasons, one of them being that I lack confidence and can't "seal the deal" in bed. I was originally going to run and hide under my bed and vow to become celibant to avoid future humiliation.

However today I have decided that I am going to thrust myself into a makeover. I am going to research and retrain myself to lose my cute nature (the little girl mentality is really hurting me. I am now closer to 30 and still feel like I have yet to become an adult. I don't know quite when such a transition occurs, but I know it hasn't happened for me yet. I do not consider myself a women, but a girl.) The cute nature does not help me succeed (for the record, I am quite short and have a very childish voice. I wear a size 4 shoe (and yet a 32DD bra, figure that one out). )

For the longest time I have always wanted to be an Audrey Hepburn, but have slowly realized I am a Marilyn Monroe. So, I am going to cultivate my inner goddess and explode with confidence and sexual deviance.

I have already begun trying to lower my voice. In the career world, having this annoying childish voice does not help me emmanate leadership and authority. And I was just informed during this break up, that it doesn't help establish myself as a sex goddess when I sound more like Lisa Simpson and less like Aphrodite.

I also just bought 11 books on Amazon to help me go from cute to sexy, from "virgin" to Goddess in bed. I am determined to be amazing. I will be a sexy, gorgeous sex kitten. If I can understand and discuss Plato, I can speak Sexy Sex Goddess.

I intend to document my journey on this blog to track my progress, and hopefully get comments, tips, techniques and help from any readers out there, and maybe, just maybe, help another 20-something female in my situation.

At this stage, I am awaiting the delivery of my newly purchased books. But I fully  intend on going through my library and revisiting any books like this I may already own. So more on this topic tonight.

Pyschosis

"If I knew what the problem was, I wouldn't be sitting in this chair."

I dislike therapy. This guy was my 11th doctor in 5 years. I could tell already that he wasn't going to last. "I can tell you a variety of theories about what's wrong, but how am I to know the truth? My brain has been warped and manipulated by so many of you people that I don't know what's real or illusion anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore. I used to have a good idea, and then I was told that I was simply a camellion with no personal identity. Now every time I go into a social setting where I have to interact with people, I question myself! I never had the self-confidence issue until I was tossed into therapy!"

Groggily wandered in was more like it. I was an insomniac simply looking for a good night's sleep. When my family practitioner gave up on helping me, he tossed me to the wolves, and my life hasn't been the same sense. Ironic, really, I was just suffering from sleep deprivation when I started. Now I suffer from bipolar disease, borderline personality disorder, the chamelion effect, psychic vampirism, a lack of self esteem and no freakin' idea what is real or not, true or false. I'm terrible in my relationship b/c I get freaked out so easily. Is he the one? Is this how I really want to spend my life? Am I actually living the life that I want? So many questions. And sure there are answers, but I don't know how to trust them. And that's how I found myself in this chair: I'm looking for answers, but worse than that, I am looking for someone to tell me what answers are true. I experience so many unfounded emotions and thoughts that I don't trust myself. LOL, and I experience so many unfounded emotions and thoughts b/c a doctor once told me that I have no personal identity and that I assimilate into my current surrounding circumstances.

"No, I don't take any medications doctor. I can't handle them. They freak my mind and body out. Plus, I'm not sure there is anything even wrong with me that I actually DO need to take them. You doctors just toss prescriptions out left and right so the medical community can build a financial empire. Half the time a simple dietary adjustment will do the trick. But nope, not with you people. You are so deeply embedded in the insurance world that you don't care about the person, only their freakin' check book."

Okay, that may have been unfair. This guy MAY be different. But I doubt it. They are all the same. They don't want to help with the actual problem...only to treat the symptoms. If you were actually "cured" and felt better, they would find themselves woefully without clients. But even that isn't true. This world is filled with people who trust whatever the doctor says. Don't ask questions, just take this piece of paper to your pharmacy and come back to see me. I'd rather just meditate...if I could find the time and force myself down. I swear I was once really good about that type of thing. I used to have a consistent yogic home practice. Whatever happened to that? Is that something I truly enjoy? If I let it slide so much maybe it's not something I truly enjoy? Bullshit. I know I dig it. I'm just stressed out and my coping mechanism is to sleep. Well, to ask a lot of questions and then to sleep. Hmm...he does have really emerald green eyes. I bet they melt most chicks. I'm sure he's a caring guy...but no different than the rest, I'm sure. "I'm just seeking balance. Mental and spiritual balance. I am so about the extremes that it doesn't make sense and I can't live. I mean, either I am incredibly healthy, or incredibly unhealthy. Either I drink a lot, or none at all! I need a balance. I need to be able to be reasonable healthy while allowing for a few splurges.

Cooking

So I cooked a nice, yummy meal tonight. Chile in fact. It was a delightful beginning. I chopped the garlic, onions and bell peppers, and I did so I started to find a sway in my hips, you know girls, the sway front to back that makes you feel like you have a naughty man between your thighs. HmmMmm.

Any way. For the first time I really saw the colors of cooking. The blending of reds, greens and whites, the vivid fresh organic blends of the earth. And the aroma's when I started to add the spices. I honestly had my first nose-gasm. It was delicious.

I decided to use a new spice that I had randomly come across in my many perusings...Tumeric. And just so you know, this is a handy spice to consume.

(PLEASE NOTE: I totally looked up Tumeric as my chili ingredients were swapping...flavors. My findings found that tumeric:

• is an anti-inflammatory - helps swelling related with arthritus
• is an antioxidant
• is a broncho-dilator - useful during asthma attacks
• bile stimulant - great for digestion and helps protect the liver (which we need with that bottle of wine...not as great as Milk Thistle perhaps, but refresh your body after a night of drinking!)
• reduces the risk of heart attacks
• blood purifier
• detoxifer
• possibly anticancer
• helps with skin problems.

(Natural Healing for Women)

      )




It was nice to be able to apply my knowledge of spices and be creative in the kitchen. I would like to share this with someone. I would like to think my man but he doesn't always appreciate a home cooked meal. Which is why I now have 2 containers of extra chili in my fridge.  Haha.  Go figure. This will be a fun girls night option.

Must remember to schedule a girls night. (But maybe end with a visit to my guy...cooking really is erotic.)

Sometimes I'm grateful for fatties

 

I was craving something sweet. I headed to the vending machines and saw a big lady eating. It grossed me out so I turned right around and came back to my desk. Had an apple instead.

Ways to make me skinny: show me what happens if I eat a lot.

Gross.

My Dysfunctions

Weird shit happens to me. I mean, not bizarre stuff, but weird shit that makes me stop and think, really?? That really just happened to me? WTF. My BF thinks it's because I am scared of my artistic/creative power so I subconsciously create weirdness in my life instead, thus forcing me to focus on these oddities instead of putting energy into art.

So.

This will be my way for chronicling my immeasurably fascinating dysfunctions (yes, being incredibly sarcastic), neuroses, emotions, inner children (yes, plural), moments of shame and doubt, projection, self-loathing, misanthropy, and completely normal insanity, because the only difference between me and the rest of the population is that I acknowledge this knack for inviting weirdness and psychosis into my life and they're all in mind-numbing denial.