Pyschosis

"If I knew what the problem was, I wouldn't be sitting in this chair."

I dislike therapy. This guy was my 11th doctor in 5 years. I could tell already that he wasn't going to last. "I can tell you a variety of theories about what's wrong, but how am I to know the truth? My brain has been warped and manipulated by so many of you people that I don't know what's real or illusion anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore. I used to have a good idea, and then I was told that I was simply a camellion with no personal identity. Now every time I go into a social setting where I have to interact with people, I question myself! I never had the self-confidence issue until I was tossed into therapy!"

Groggily wandered in was more like it. I was an insomniac simply looking for a good night's sleep. When my family practitioner gave up on helping me, he tossed me to the wolves, and my life hasn't been the same sense. Ironic, really, I was just suffering from sleep deprivation when I started. Now I suffer from bipolar disease, borderline personality disorder, the chamelion effect, psychic vampirism, a lack of self esteem and no freakin' idea what is real or not, true or false. I'm terrible in my relationship b/c I get freaked out so easily. Is he the one? Is this how I really want to spend my life? Am I actually living the life that I want? So many questions. And sure there are answers, but I don't know how to trust them. And that's how I found myself in this chair: I'm looking for answers, but worse than that, I am looking for someone to tell me what answers are true. I experience so many unfounded emotions and thoughts that I don't trust myself. LOL, and I experience so many unfounded emotions and thoughts b/c a doctor once told me that I have no personal identity and that I assimilate into my current surrounding circumstances.

"No, I don't take any medications doctor. I can't handle them. They freak my mind and body out. Plus, I'm not sure there is anything even wrong with me that I actually DO need to take them. You doctors just toss prescriptions out left and right so the medical community can build a financial empire. Half the time a simple dietary adjustment will do the trick. But nope, not with you people. You are so deeply embedded in the insurance world that you don't care about the person, only their freakin' check book."

Okay, that may have been unfair. This guy MAY be different. But I doubt it. They are all the same. They don't want to help with the actual problem...only to treat the symptoms. If you were actually "cured" and felt better, they would find themselves woefully without clients. But even that isn't true. This world is filled with people who trust whatever the doctor says. Don't ask questions, just take this piece of paper to your pharmacy and come back to see me. I'd rather just meditate...if I could find the time and force myself down. I swear I was once really good about that type of thing. I used to have a consistent yogic home practice. Whatever happened to that? Is that something I truly enjoy? If I let it slide so much maybe it's not something I truly enjoy? Bullshit. I know I dig it. I'm just stressed out and my coping mechanism is to sleep. Well, to ask a lot of questions and then to sleep. Hmm...he does have really emerald green eyes. I bet they melt most chicks. I'm sure he's a caring guy...but no different than the rest, I'm sure. "I'm just seeking balance. Mental and spiritual balance. I am so about the extremes that it doesn't make sense and I can't live. I mean, either I am incredibly healthy, or incredibly unhealthy. Either I drink a lot, or none at all! I need a balance. I need to be able to be reasonable healthy while allowing for a few splurges.